dear (your name here)…deep in the bowels of the sky-bound zamboni…two figures
are huddled over a table-hockey game…it’s malc. lowry and tom de quincey playing the 7th and deciding game in the final series to decide who in the band was best at the sport this season…don cherry was acting as referee and given that his brocade attire resembled the corridors of bay and yonge sts. in downtown toronto as seen from the top of the c.n. tower…de quinceys’ hallucinations prevented him from being sure that the puck he struck was an actual puck and not a mini-black hole…lowry was in the throes of a delirium tremens but this actually aided him and his passing game and speed were beyond defending against…
the band was on a tour of the a.s.s. (altered states spiral) galaxy and their first stop was the big rock candy planet…the atmosphere was basically nitrous oxide and if you could keep a straight face, you worked in dentistry or for the government…
if you like some nonsense along w/ your seriousness…and are on earth this saturday…check out the ancient geezer, joe hall, who will be performing songs from his enormous repertoire, in the lovingly appointed southern cross lounge at the tranzac club from 6:30 to 9 p.m. or thereabouts…that’s saturday may 26 on the current calendar…if you’re in peterborough on sunday june 3rd, joe will be joining forces w/ lanky crooner trevor davis in a performance at the dreams of beans cafe on hunter st…just east of george st, from 2 ’til 5 p.m.
dear subscriber…de quincey was insanely overhung…a many headed synesthesia
overwhelming rational thought…he was ready for the cure…a laudanum spritzer
…he’d spent the previous evening w/ other members of the over-refreshed class at the costco ballroom in the deus ex machina bar and grill attending the SLIME
[slyboots intergalactic music of excellence] awards.
it was a swell party…the posthumous keith moon award was given to hunter who had an amazing 117 pts. in the hurling appliances out of hotel windows category…bar fridges only count a half point but one multiplies by the number of floors the room is above street level…dinner was an astonishing grain of rice clutched in the grasp of an edible ant wrapped in an anchovy stuffed in a grape boiled in an egg baked in a cornish hen stuffed in a rabbit broiled in a pig folded into a beef set in a whale, leafily garnished…
nobody else from the band won an award…though there was a 947 way tie for the composing of doggerel while simultaneously engaging in intercourse [physical or spiritual] w/ creatures from other planets…
the dixie degenerates are unsure as to the galaxy their next tour will take them…however…this weekend, on earth in the city of toronto in ontario, canada at the tranzac club on brunswick avenue just south of bloor st….in the very comfortable southern cross lounge…the ancient geezer, joe hall, presents his large collection of folk type songs…he performs on saturday april 28th from 6:30 ’til 9:30 p.m….other musical geezers may appear…
sincerely…
your editor
dear friends and family members, subscribers, [your name here] s, ladies and gentlemen and don’t knows…
happy shopping season to you all…the toys that make slyboots happiest this season are, of course, bondage barbie and krackhead ken…glad tidings from the dixie degenerates…the boys are back…the boys are back on earth…but they don’t like what they see…and they’re all back on the skag…well of course, except for malc. and he adheres to the gin and seconal diet…when asked why the relapse, de quincey said “all darkness, black despair”…coleridge
rhymed
“trade the third level auditors from attiwopiskat
for the politicians from the congo…
give the hockey players such a slap
and march the government up a volcano”
burroughs and thompson discuss the origin of the term “buggers grips”
….a reference to victorian sideburns and malc. strums contentedly in the corner as cheeky “full moon” curtis, the incontinental drifts’ horizontal tympanists, croons their favourite christmas melody…
“i’m dreaming of a white trash x-mas
when all my cousins come and stay at my place,
bringing gin in jars and pails, swinging in on their tails
and drooling and staring into space….
i’m dreaming of a white trash x-mas
the ones where i get pissed by noon…
mama’s passed out on her keester, ’til she comes to and yells “happy easter”
and dinner is running round the room”
i’m dreaming of a white trash x-mas
and i know that you are too
happy holidays, best of binges, santa’s brought us clean syringes
and the young folk are all off sniffin’ glue
be you yellow, red , brown, black, orange or blue
here’s a honky, honky, honky white trash x-mas for you!!!!”
happy 2012…if you’re in the campbellford area dec. 30, the ancient geezer and tiny davis are performing at “the stinking rose”, a delightful little club the size of my kitchen table….9 p.m. or thereabouts….on jan. 28, 2012, the ancient geezer is unable to attend to his performance at the tranzac club…but he is sure that the public at large will enjoy the song stylings of his pinch-performer…the many fingered jazzman non-per…tony quarrington ….the ancient geezer hopes to see you in febuary ….
11.11.11….dearly beloved…ooops wrong gig…dear [your name here]…we here at slyboots agency…pimps, purveyors and providers of perpetual good clean fun
perceive the previous digits equaling 6…that’s not enough..15 minimum..20 we prefer..
the office is overflowing w/ ex-incontinental drifters…harry pipes, the bands underwater bassoonist, stands at the washroom door w/ his palm extended and if an employee walks past him without paying up, said employee is threatened w/ defenestration…even though we’re at street level…poor harry…just another musical pisstank one gig short of a tour…and speaking of pisstanks…rumour has it that “the dixie degenerates” hitched a ride on the asteroid the just missed us and they are now adhering to the principles of a new metric equivalent to the 12-step program…the 10-step program…one doesn’t have to abstain from the poison of one’s choice nor express belief in a higher whatchamacallit…
if you’re going to skip your meeting on saturday november 26, come check out the solo show of the ancient geezer…joe hall…he’ll be performing from
6:30 to 9:30 p.m. in the lavishly appointed southern cross lounge at the tranzac club on brunswick avenue just south of bloor st….
dear subscriber…de quincey regained consciousness, he opened his eyes…hmmm….whose size 12s’ are these?…and he recognized immediately that they were coleridges’ as he had an extra toe on each foot…”my mouth” he thought…his tongue felt like a salami in a sock…excess and success…what was the overhang today? laudanum and chronoflex…chronoflex was the time travellers potion that allowed you to travel through time without causing the dread butterfly/rhinoceros effects…samuel and thomas had to travel back to england in the 1800s to replenish their dwindling laudanum supplies, as this galaxy, as burroughs had said “was strictly from cough syrup”…
there was a commotion in the hall and the door to the room flew open to reveal j. edgar hoover in a pert pink party dress…”all right you degenerates…get up and…” he grabbed his nose and pulled off his face to reveal that it was lowry in drag…”party responsibly…what was it that blake had said…the road to excess leads to your neighbours garden shed?…no matter…if not party, let’s practice”
well, the boys have another 2 weeks engagement at the mobius strip bar and grill far, far away…if you are in current space time…like toronto, saturday october 22, 2011 between the hours of 6:30 to 9:30 at the lovingly appointed southern cross lounge in the tranzac club…the ancient geezer, joe hall, is performing w/ his long time musical mate, tony “fingers” quarrington in celebration of the release of their revolutionary, new, all-acoustic album
in c.d. format…”DEMENTIA REVOX”…be there, or be somewhere else…
dear subscriber…slyboots here, in the thick of things…co-incident w/ our sale of incontinental drift memorabilia, apparently the statute of limitations on skyscraper windows has been breached and great panes of glass come hurtling down on great crowds of the unsuspecting public staring in glazed befuddlement at their various hand-held devices….crash….crash…ring…crash…ring…but people are still lined up around the block hoping they might attain some token of the bands last tour…
earlier today, “legs” akimbo was recognized by an old fan and purchased outright….to remain on his hands and knees…a position practiced for years…and serve as an ottoman or occasional table…
in keeping w/ our spotless public service record we advise everyone to wear a hard-hat while clubbing this weekend…tony and joe will be releasing their new album “dementia revox” in october…so the ancient geezer, joe hall plays songs from his solo repetoire this saturday sept. 24 from 6:30 to 9:30 p.m. in the delightful southern cross lounge at the tranzac club…just south of bloor st. on brunswick avenue in toronto…
come early , come often, stay awhile…it’s safe…
dear subscriber…the dixie degenerates are thrilled to be on their inaugural tour…w/ don cherry…their road manager, at the wheel of their spacebound zamboni…but due to some cock-up at the agency, they’ve been booked to play bars in the abercrombie-fitch system…a galaxy renowned for it’s roaming gangs of psychotics in grey suits who kidnap any and everyone, and make them conform to their concept of polyester based life forms.
if you’re looking for a safe place to imbibe this weekend…stay on earth and come to the southern cross lounge of the tranzac club on brunswick near bloor
in toronto….on saturday, august 27th between 6:30 and 9:30 the ancient geezer joe hall will be performing w/ his young friend trevor davis of the famous silverhearts…and watch this space for…
Kenneth Brown
THEATrePUBLIC
Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
(780) 436-1231
Dear Mr. Slyboots,
It has come to the attention of this office that you have inquired into the copyright status of the note “b-flat.” Please be advised that, as of this time, that copyright is pending. “G” has of course already been copyrighted by the Canadian band Stunk Mollusks, and F-sharp by the Metropolitan Opera. The time signature 7/8 is still available if you can demonstrate to the Cultural Sensitivity Committee that you have at least one member of your orchestra of proven Laskar descent. We wish you every success with your application.
Gian Cucumber, moonlighter,
Office of Things You Should Already Have Known.
stin bieber to our roster…though of course, to avoid a nasty legal procedure with his current management…we’ve settled on a new nom de guerre…rusty diaper…and of course…he’ll be touring with the incontinental drift…after his recent performance at the a.c.c., he was quoted in the globe and mail as saying
“it’s a dream come true, to be able to play music in a hockey rink”…and so he’s looking forward to the gigs we’ve lined up in kapuskasing, timmins, kirkland lake and sioux lookout…and meeting “older people”…(twenty somethings) to satisfy the young stars’ unappeasable sexual appetite…he will also be performing some duets with michael jacksons’ nose…
if you live in toronto and want to hear his new repertoire, hurry on down to the southern cross lounge at the tranzac club to catch a set by joe “not dead yet” hall…on saturday september 25 from 6:30 to 9:30…joe will be performing material created especially for justin…er…ah..rusty
on sunday september 26…joe will be joining trevor davis at the dreams of beans cafe in peterborough for his “let them eat cake” show…from noon til
3p.m. and the maybe we’ll all go for a nice skate….
sincerely
slyboots
dear “you could already be a weiner!!!”
we here at “slyboots agency”… pimps for punks and pouffes and perpetual sub-genres…are having a hard time conjuring gigs on earth for druggies and alkies most people presume to be still dead…and of course more unemployed band members from “the incontinental drift” keep showing up at the office….office staff feel threatened by ex-musicians showing up with squeegees and pails and gesturing to their work-station monitors…though “legs” akimbo…the bands aoelian frappist had a great idea…he’s figured that a sure way to make money in the music business is to own an actual musical note…he has purchased b-flat below middle c…and every time the note is performed anywhere in the ether…royalties accrue…good luck “legs”…
well…yes… of course… as soon as “the dixie degenerates” land a gig on the planet …you’ll be the first to know…in the interim…if you are earth-bound this weekend…the ancient geezer, joe hall will be performing w/ his debonair side-kick, george dobo in the tastefully appointed southern cross
lounge at the tranzac club, 292 brunswick ave. from 6:30 to 9:30 p.m.
saturday, july 23…and next month joe will be bringing in new talent in the shape and sounds like trevor davis of the silverhearts…the band that ate peterborough…come early…come often…come on…
love your money
sol slyboots…(think… lonnie salazar with more ersatz gold chains and smarm)
